Eating Habits

So anyway I finally came up for a good reason why I'm too picky that doesn't involve I want to be vegetarian except soybeans don't taste enough like beef yet, put more chemicals into them. I'm actively trying not to upset things that are most likely to evolve intelligence. Cephalopods are pretty much the best and mostly are just unlucky and that's why they aren't more advanced than us yet, so I can't eat them or anything that they eat, sadly eliminating all that weird stuff that lives on the ocean floor and people pretend it's food. I can't eat sea kittens because they're sea kittens and there hasn't been a single species that evolved to dominance without kittens.

So yeah screw you seafood. Oh and dolphins are technically intelligent but they aren't as cool as cephalopods so I guess I might eat fish sticks because I'm pretty sure those are made of dolphins or at least some kind of cabbage. I also will not eat mushrooms, because those things are frigging crazy man. As soon as one of those deals runs into some retarded monkeys and goes up in size a little, those are pretty much the new world leaders. I'm guessing by the time they reach human size they'll have some kind of sentience, so I will try not to eat any of their less horrible friends in an attempt to save myself and become the mushroom pope or something. Mushroom soup is an exception because I'm pretty sure it's just salt broth and I'm also pretty sure it'll take a few hundred years at least and my grandchildren can just be like "Old grandad Cthulhuigi didn't know the haps my fungusy overlord, he nary suspected and yet still ate none of your non liquid friends!" and then the one that said that will probably get eaten and the rest will scatter and then the mushroom will give them a bob-omb to throw at a furry businessman/T-Rex.

Speaking of T-Rexes, lizards are like pretty much tied with humans on the food chain. Plus they look pretty cool. To be fair, I would eat one if someone told me to, which is why this doesn't have very many reasoning. Bugs are pretty much the same, but as it would take a lot more to get me to eat one of them, I have to say if they haven't taken over the world by size or by not sucking, they certainly have by numbers, and if for some reason some super-intelligent ones show up (really they only have to hit like dog intelligence, and I don't mean the kind of dogs that I like) I want them to befriend me and let me shoot bees as people. Oh, and hiveminds like bees are a pretty neat concept, it's not likely but it would be pretty awesome if we grew some zerg.

I think that's pretty much the major groups of things I won't eat, and can you blame me? I haven't really eaten that many kinds of meat, and I believe I can justify them all.

Beef - Cows are retarded. They spent all their energy evolving three extra stomachs that make them take four times as long to digest things. Yeah, way to scavenge for better nutrients than grass, fags.

Chicken - They evolved DOWN from dinosaurs. Almost all birds are subject to this reasoning. If they want to go back to dinosaurs, by all means, I'll quit eating them, but for now lizards appear to be trying harder. Oh, and emus and that kind of crap are also doing a pretty good job, so I probably won't eat them.

Buffalo - See cow, these are just ugly haircows.

Hot Dogs - If you don't eat them, the homophobes win. Plus whatever animal these come from isn't doing a very good job at not being mass produced, although as a rule I really don't want to eat them. Naturally, the brands of hot dogs that use identifiable meat are covered by the respective animal.

Ah, but I know what you're saying. "Mr. Cthulhuigi! Mr. Cthulhuigi! Don't you know that after cats, humans, and dolphins pigs are the most smartest animal!? How do you eat a bacon!" And I admit, this seems like a huge exception. I have to hand it to pigs. They are terrifying. The eatin' ones start turning into mankilling hairy tusky monsters if they escape from the farm I think, and given a chance they'd probably take over. Whatever could I be thinking to convince myself to eat these gentle giants? If you're fearing the end of this excessively rational rant to be something like "but day tast god and im not a libral homexicl aminla lovr!" and all wacky and out of character, fear not. Simply prepare yourself for about half an internet if you catch this literary reference.




Why is it acceptable to eat pigs, which are pretty much the smartest and strongest mammal besides the ones I listed earlier?

Because they're communists.